Bringing up the topic of sex toys in a relationship can feel like navigating a minefield. Will they be offended? Will they think I’m bored? Will they worry they aren’t “enough”? These are common anxieties, but the reality is often far less dramatic and much more rewarding.

Using toys with a partner isn’t about replacing intimacy; it’s about expanding it. It’s a way to explore new sensations, learn more about each other’s bodies, and break out of routine loops. In fact, studies consistently show that couples who are open to sexual experimentation often report higher levels of satisfaction and communication.

Whether you’ve been together for three months or thirty years, introducing new elements to the bedroom can be a thrilling journey. However, the approach matters just as much as the accessory itself. This guide will walk you through having the conversation, choosing the right tools for your dynamic, and integrating them seamlessly into your intimacy.

Why Couples Hesitate (And Why You Shouldn’t)

Before diving into logistics, it helps to understand the psychological hurdles. The biggest barrier to using sex toys in relationships is usually the “replacement myth.” This is the fear that a vibrating piece of silicone creates competition.

This perspective frames sex as a performance where efficiency is the goal, rather than an experience of shared pleasure. Toys are simply instruments. A guitarist doesn’t get jealous of the distortion pedal; they use it to make a different kind of music. Similarly, a toy is a tool that can facilitate sensations a human hand or tongue simply cannot replicate physically.

Once you reframe toys as “pleasure enhancers” rather than “partner replacements,” the conversation becomes about mutual enjoyment rather than critique.

Step 1: The Conversation Before the Act

Surprising your partner with a buzzing device in the heat of the moment can be risky. For some, it’s exciting; for others, it’s a mood-killer or a source of instant anxiety. The safest route is to talk about it outside the bedroom first.

Timing is Everything

Don’t bring this up while you are arguing, stressed, or rushing to work. Choose a low-pressure moment—perhaps while driving, cooking dinner together, or watching a show. Neutral ground helps lower defenses.

Framing the Suggestion

Avoid phrasing that implies a deficit. Instead of saying, “We need to spice things up,” or “I need more stimulation,” frame it as a shared adventure.

• Try: “I read an article about couples using toys together and it sounded really hot. Would you ever be open to exploring that with me?”
• Try: “I love our sex life, and I think it would be fun to see what happens if we added a vibrator into the mix.”

Handling Hesitation

If your partner is hesitant, listen to their concerns without getting defensive. If they are worried about adequacy, reassure them that this is about different sensations, not better ones. If they think toys are “weird,” ask them to elaborate. Sometimes, browsing a high-end, wellness-focused online store together can change their perception from “sleazy” to “sophisticated.”

Step 2: Selecting Your First “Co-Pilot”

The market is saturated with gadgets, which can be overwhelming. When starting out, less is often more. You don’t need a complex machine that requires a user manual and an outlet. You need something intuitive that fits physically and emotionally between two people.

For Clitoral Stimulation

If the goal is to enhance external stimulation during intercourse or oral sex, small is beautiful.

• Finger Vibrators: These are unobtrusive and allow the partner to remain in control. It feels like an extension of their hand, which bridges the gap between manual touch and mechanical vibration.
• Wand Massagers: While larger, these are classics for a reason. They offer broad, rumbly power that can be used for a full-body massage before moving to erogenous zones.
• Bullet Vibrators: Discreet and powerful, these are easy to slip between bodies without getting in the way.

For Internal Stimulation and G-Spot Play

• Curved Toys: Toys with a slight curve are designed to target the G-spot or prostate.
• Rabbit Vibrators: These offer dual stimulation (internal and external). However, in partnered play, they can sometimes feel a bit bulky, so look for slimmer models if you plan on using them during intercourse.

For Couples-Specific Play

• C-Rings (Cock Rings): These are fantastic starter toys. They restrict blood flow to maintain erections and often come with a small vibrating motor that stimulates the partner during penetration. It’s a mutual benefit that makes them an easy sell.
• Remote Control Toys: Giving your partner the remote control is a huge psychological turn-on. It puts the control entirely in their hands (literally), which can alleviate fears of being “replaced.”

Step 3: Setting the Scene

Once you have the toy, don’t just leave it on the nightstand and hope for the best. Intentionality creates comfort.

Charge and Clean

Nothing kills the mood faster than a dead battery. Ensure the device is fully charged and cleaned before you start. Keep a toy cleaner or mild soap and warm water nearby for afterward.

Lubrication is Non-Negotiable

Even if you don’t usually use lube, use it with toys. Silicone creates friction against skin that is different from skin-on-skin contact. Water-based lubricant is the gold standard because it is compatible with all toy materials (especially silicone) and safe for use with condoms.

Step 4: The Introduction

The first time you use the toy together, take the pressure off the orgasm. Make the goal exploration.

Start with Foreplay

Don’t rush to the main event. Use the toy on non-genital areas first. Run a vibrator along the inner thighs, the lower back, or the neck. This helps your partner get used to the sound and the sensation in a non-threatening way. It builds anticipation and integrates the device as a massage tool first.

Hand Over Control

If you are the one introducing the toy, let your partner hold it. Let them explore your body with it. This empowers them and turns them into the facilitator of your pleasure. Guide their hand and offer positive reinforcement. “That feels good,” or “Move it a little to the left,” gives them a roadmap to success.

Incorporated During Intercourse

If you are moving to penetration, positioning is key.

• Missionary: A vibrating cock ring or a small bullet vibrator held against the clitoris works well here.
• Doggy Style: This position offers easy access for a partner to use a wand or manual toy on the clitoris or perineum.
• Spooning: This intimate position allows for easy reach-around access where a partner can use a toy on you while holding you close.

Navigating the “Third Wheel” Feeling

Sometimes, despite best efforts, things can feel clumsy. You might bump teeth, drop the remote, or the vibration might be too intense.

Laugh it Off: Sex is messy and human. If the toy slips or makes a funny noise, laugh. Humor breaks tension better than anything else.

Check-In: Ask, “Is this okay?” or “Do you like this speed?” It keeps the connection alive. Silence can sometimes breed insecurity, so keep the verbal channel open.

Take a Break: If it’s not working, put it away. You don’t have to finish with the toy. You can use it for five minutes and then return to manual stimulation. There is no rule that says once the toy comes out, it must stay until the end.

Advanced Play: Expanding Your Horizons

Once you are comfortable with the basics, the playground expands significantly.

Temperature Play

Some toys are made of glass or stainless steel. These can be warmed in warm water or cooled in the fridge. The temperature difference adds a sensory layer that can be incredibly intense.

App-Controlled Devices

Long-distance relationships—or just dinner dates—can be spiced up with app-controlled toys. You wear the device, and your partner controls the intensity from their phone across the table or across the country.

Strap-Ons and Pegging

For couples looking to explore power dynamics or different forms of penetration, harnesses and strap-ons offer a new dimension. This requires more communication and preparation (and plenty of lube), but can be deeply bonding.

Safety and Hygiene

A healthy sex life is a safe one.

• Material Matters: Stick to body-safe materials like medical-grade silicone, glass, or stainless steel. Avoid “jelly” toys or porous materials (TPR/TPE) that can harbor bacteria and are difficult to sterilize.
• Sharing Rules: If you are sharing toys between partners or switching between anal and vaginal play, always clean the toy thoroughly or use a condom on the toy. Bacteria transfer is a real risk.
• Storage: Store toys in breathable bags (often provided with the purchase) rather than plastic bags, which can degrade the material. Keep them out of direct sunlight.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if the toy is too loud?

Noise is a valid concern, especially if you have roommates or thin walls. Look for toys marketed as “whisper-quiet” or “discreet.” Generally, smaller bullet vibrators and high-end sonic wave toys are quieter than large wand massagers. You can also play music in the background to mask the hum.

My partner loses their erection when we try to introduce a toy. What should we do?

This is common and often stems from “performance anxiety” or a distraction from the logistics of grabbing the toy. Keep the toy within arm’s reach so you don’t have to get up. If an erection is lost, take the pressure off penetration. Focus on oral sex, cuddling, or using the toy on him. Once the anxiety lifts, arousal usually returns.

Can toys desensitize you?

There is a myth that using vibrators creates “dead vagina syndrome” or permanent numbness. This is false. However, intense vibration can cause temporary numbness or a higher threshold for stimulation immediately after use. This usually resolves within an hour or so. If you find you need higher settings to get off, take a “tolerance break” for a few days or switch to non-vibrating toys.

Are expensive toys worth it?

In the world of sex toys, you generally get what you pay for. A $15 vibrator will be loud, buzz continuously without variation, and likely die quickly. A $100+ toy will have rumbly (deep) vibrations, body-safe silicone, waterproofing, and a rechargeable battery. For a first foray, you don’t need to spend a fortune, but aim for the mid-range ($50-$80) to ensure a good experience.

Intimacy is an Evolution

Bringing sex toys into a relationship isn’t an admission that your sex life is lacking; it’s a declaration that you are comfortable enough to explore pleasure together. It requires vulnerability, communication, and a sense of humor.

Start small, talk often, and remember that the ultimate goal is connection. Whether the toy stays in the drawer or becomes a nightly guest, the act of discussing your desires and trying something new is a victory for your relationship in itself.

So, browse that site together, pick out something that sparks curiosity, and enjoy the discovery.